It seems like in every parental pairing, one person is the authority and the other is the fun. In my marriage, I was the authority and my husband was the fun.
On television shows like Everybody Loves Raymond, it's funny when Deb is leaving for the day to do some shopping and tells Ray to supervise the kids as they clean up their rooms. Ray wants to watch a football game, but if the kids clean their rooms properly, he might miss some of the game, so he tells the kids to just shove everything under their beds and mommy never has to know. It's funny when Deb comes home and is angry that nothing was done and that Ray belittled her authority.
In reality, when the authoritative parent comes home to see that the fun parent made no attempt to get things done, it shows a lack of strength as a parenting team. Kids can smell this weakness from miles away.
I was tired of being the law and order while my husband was Bozo the clown, so we made a change. This is how the united front works best:
1. When you're thinking about having kids, make a list of rules and consequences that are important to you. The reason is because, if both parents are aware of the rules and agree to the consequences, they are BOTH more likely to follow threw as a united front. For example, I believe in a minute of timeout for every year of age. I believe in a warning before timeout. I don't believe in physical punishment. I believe when timeout isn't enough, revoking t.v. time or playtime can work. I don't always punish kids for something I didn't see them do. (When the freezer is left open and my son has a fresh red Popsicle mustache and a empty Popsicle stick on the table next to him, I can bet that he did it. Now, when my daughter cries and says, "Mama, my toy" And Ryan has the toy, I can't assume that he took it; I can only assume that she wants it. And when I ask him if he took it, and he says, "No." I know he might be lying and he might not, so I simply say, "If you took it, give it back and say you're sorry. And in the future, if you take something from her, you will be in trouble."
2. Discuss what you'd expect your kids to responsible for at what ages. The reason is so that you'll know when to punish kids for not doing what is expected. Make sure the expectations are reasonable. It seems silly, but it's important. I have a friend whose wife expected her kids to be fully potty trained by age 5; that's not realistic. Many kids wet the bed until age 9. So when her son wet the bed at age 6, she made him strip off the soiled sheets, scrub his mattress, and gather all his soiled laundry and put it in the washer. Luckily he didn't have to run the load. My husband and I feel at age 13 our son should learn how to run a load of laundry from start to finish. Knowing what you expect of your kids will help you decide punishments and when they fit. Also, if both parents agree on the expectations, you'll avoid the event where you have to awkwardly voice your disagreement in front of the kids. When mom says, "You wet, the bed, you clean it up." And dad replies with, "Well, wait... He's only 5, it's not that big of a deal." No matter who was right and who was wrong, you've shown your child that you don't agree, and he or she will know who to turn to for the easy way out.
3. Make a rule and stick to it forever. A big mistake that parents make is making a rule and then straying from it. It's easy to make a rule; it's hard sticking to it when your adorable cutie is looking at you with those big beautiful eyes full of love, she's crying and looking at you like you're the only one who can make her stop, and has tears running down those tiny chubby cheeks you used to pinch and kiss. If that made you, "Aww" then buck up! Sometimes kids are upset and sometimes they're milking the system. When they were infants, your nurse or mother may have told you that you'll learn what each cry means. When they're older it's the same. Some cries are sharp, loud, and bursting; those are usually the real deal. Some are whiny, forced, and get worse when they make eye contact with you. When you have the latter you have a child that is upset, but is forcing the cry to get his or her way. In this case, you still stick to the rules! When you have the former, you have a hurt or sincerely heartbroken child and you still stick to the rules, but in this case, you explain the reasoning in more detail. Never soothe a crying kid with presents, food, or outings. Your rules are your rules, and if you STICK to the rules, they'll be used to the rules and won't cry when you lay down the law.
This is how we handle our united front and now, we are both the authority and we can both be the fun.
NOTE TO FUN PARENTS: When you shirk your duties, it's emotionally hurtful to the authoritative parents.
On television shows like Everybody Loves Raymond, it's funny when Deb is leaving for the day to do some shopping and tells Ray to supervise the kids as they clean up their rooms. Ray wants to watch a football game, but if the kids clean their rooms properly, he might miss some of the game, so he tells the kids to just shove everything under their beds and mommy never has to know. It's funny when Deb comes home and is angry that nothing was done and that Ray belittled her authority.
In reality, when the authoritative parent comes home to see that the fun parent made no attempt to get things done, it shows a lack of strength as a parenting team. Kids can smell this weakness from miles away.
I was tired of being the law and order while my husband was Bozo the clown, so we made a change. This is how the united front works best:
1. When you're thinking about having kids, make a list of rules and consequences that are important to you. The reason is because, if both parents are aware of the rules and agree to the consequences, they are BOTH more likely to follow threw as a united front. For example, I believe in a minute of timeout for every year of age. I believe in a warning before timeout. I don't believe in physical punishment. I believe when timeout isn't enough, revoking t.v. time or playtime can work. I don't always punish kids for something I didn't see them do. (When the freezer is left open and my son has a fresh red Popsicle mustache and a empty Popsicle stick on the table next to him, I can bet that he did it. Now, when my daughter cries and says, "Mama, my toy" And Ryan has the toy, I can't assume that he took it; I can only assume that she wants it. And when I ask him if he took it, and he says, "No." I know he might be lying and he might not, so I simply say, "If you took it, give it back and say you're sorry. And in the future, if you take something from her, you will be in trouble."
2. Discuss what you'd expect your kids to responsible for at what ages. The reason is so that you'll know when to punish kids for not doing what is expected. Make sure the expectations are reasonable. It seems silly, but it's important. I have a friend whose wife expected her kids to be fully potty trained by age 5; that's not realistic. Many kids wet the bed until age 9. So when her son wet the bed at age 6, she made him strip off the soiled sheets, scrub his mattress, and gather all his soiled laundry and put it in the washer. Luckily he didn't have to run the load. My husband and I feel at age 13 our son should learn how to run a load of laundry from start to finish. Knowing what you expect of your kids will help you decide punishments and when they fit. Also, if both parents agree on the expectations, you'll avoid the event where you have to awkwardly voice your disagreement in front of the kids. When mom says, "You wet, the bed, you clean it up." And dad replies with, "Well, wait... He's only 5, it's not that big of a deal." No matter who was right and who was wrong, you've shown your child that you don't agree, and he or she will know who to turn to for the easy way out.
3. Make a rule and stick to it forever. A big mistake that parents make is making a rule and then straying from it. It's easy to make a rule; it's hard sticking to it when your adorable cutie is looking at you with those big beautiful eyes full of love, she's crying and looking at you like you're the only one who can make her stop, and has tears running down those tiny chubby cheeks you used to pinch and kiss. If that made you, "Aww" then buck up! Sometimes kids are upset and sometimes they're milking the system. When they were infants, your nurse or mother may have told you that you'll learn what each cry means. When they're older it's the same. Some cries are sharp, loud, and bursting; those are usually the real deal. Some are whiny, forced, and get worse when they make eye contact with you. When you have the latter you have a child that is upset, but is forcing the cry to get his or her way. In this case, you still stick to the rules! When you have the former, you have a hurt or sincerely heartbroken child and you still stick to the rules, but in this case, you explain the reasoning in more detail. Never soothe a crying kid with presents, food, or outings. Your rules are your rules, and if you STICK to the rules, they'll be used to the rules and won't cry when you lay down the law.
This is how we handle our united front and now, we are both the authority and we can both be the fun.
NOTE TO FUN PARENTS: When you shirk your duties, it's emotionally hurtful to the authoritative parents.
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